The electronics we use everyday save us gobs of time – except when they don’t.

I’m talking about when something goes kaflooey and we need to reach a real live customer service person. Fuggedaboudit.

“Your business is very important to us. Please stand by while we wait on the people who are smarter than you – and who called earlier.” That’s not what the voice says, but that’s what it means. Actually, if my business is really very important to them, they should hire more people to answer those phones.

My son-in-law is an engineer at the one of the pioneering companies in computerized voice recognition. He was one of the early brainiacs whose industry converted our peoplehelpers to machine helpers. I hate him.

Well, no, I love him to pieces, but I really dislike what that technology has done to us.

One thing I’m sure of is that it has contributed to stress levels gazillions of us experience. How to retain our patience when the HELP line puts us on hold? Maybe that’s why there have been huge increases in boxed wine sales. And it was probably the deciding factor in Medicare paying for visits to the shrink.

There is one exception. I am a huge fan of the companies that say, “Your wait time is 22 minutes,” followed by:

“We would be happy to call you back. You will not lose your place in line. Press 1 if you would like us to return your call.” I eagerly press 1, and so far, knock on wood, none of them have failed me… yet.

But more typical is this story:

Our cable went black in the middle of PBS’s Masterpiece, Episode 6 of their most recent addictive series. Sunday night. Lottsa luck.

Dreading it, I dialed the cable provider.

“Tip-top Cable Company, where your pleasure is our business. Press 1 for television, press 2 for internet, press 3 for telephone.”

OK, I pressed 1.

“Your wait time is approximately 22 minutes.”

And the repetitive music started. No “happy to call you back” option this time. I grabbed my headset (I’ve learned) so I wouldn’t have to flatten my ears for the next 22 minutes.

“Please continue to hold. We will be with you soon.”

Followed by 34 seconds of “music” – that repetitive rotten-quality sound track.

“Please continue to hold. We will be with you soon.”

Liar.

Thirty-four seconds.

“Please continue to hold. We will be with you soon.”

Do you lie to your mother like that?

Thirty-four seconds.

“Please continue to hold. We will be with you whenever we get around to it.”

Yeah, why don’t they tell the truth like this?

Thirty-four more miserable music seconds.

“Please continue to hold, doofus. We’ve got you right where we want you.”

I was sitting there thinking that many of these people are working from home now. It’s Sunday night. Maybe they’ll wait until their show is over and their cold beer is finished to answer the caller on the 22-minute hold.

“Please continue to hold. We will be with you soon.”

Twenty-seven minutes passed and nuthin’. I might get this hideous song out of my head by Tuesday.

“Please continue to hold. We will be with you …” And the music stopped.

Wait! Wait! The phone is ringing as if it is calling an extension! An extension that is going to answer me – with a real, live, breathing person! Oh, thank you, God! And then…

“Beep, beep, beep, beep…” The busy signal. I’d been cut off.

Are you kiddin’ me? I furiously ripped off my headset, and a few unladylike epithets escaped. Loudly.

This really happened. And stupid me, I called back. The liars cut me off a second time.

Total wait time: 55 minutes. Total calm down time? That extended well past bedtime, too late to chardonnay my nerves.

Television was restored Monday morning.

It wouldn’t be so frustrating if this was a singular experience, but it isn’t. Anytime I need to call an airline, the cable company, a utility, my prescription plan, or any large company when I need to speak to a real, live person, I know my time is shot. And l live in dread fear that I might have to call a government agency. I’m too old to survive that.

Some customer service experiences are better than others. But our way of doing business has changed, because they do not want to talk to us. The latest recording with most businesses is:

“You can take care of your order (or problem, or whatever you think you need) by reaching us at our website: www.dumbsucker.com. At least they are honest.

It takes 22 minutes to “chat” with their online “help” person, who eventually gives up and refers you to … hold on … their customer service phone number. #@$%&*!!

Marcy O’Brien can be reached at Moby.32@hotmail.com.