“Dearest Darling Madame,” last night’s letter beseeched me. The sender was someone I’ve never met and never want to, but she is calling me dearest darling? The nerve.

She really does have to slather it on pretty thick, because what she is asking is impossible. This woman, and I swear, all her family, friends and acquaintances from Kazakhstan, or Bella Russe, or Chad, want my account numbers. Yup, those checking or savings account numbers where they can deposit my new riches. Delete.

Despite how powerful my computer junk filters are, some of these appeals make it through almost every day. If they’re not begging for financial partnerships, they are sending me an important package and all I have to do is claim it – sometimes through U.S. Customs.

A surprise package! Whatever could it be? Fentanyl? Heroin? Ten thousand live salamanders?

My daily offers of an immediate fortune or intriguing gifts have become another form of entertainment – I just have to be very careful. This morning’s appeal was a doozy.

“The ‘Most beautiful beloved” from Turkmenistan is in deep grieving and fearing for her life. Her father, the “most respected, bravest, admired colonel in the army” has been taken prisoner. She has 26.5 million dollars (!) of his money for which she has to find a safe haven, before the authorities come and steal it away. She wants me to take it, hold it for her, and keep half of it when they come back to reclaim it.”

I’d love to. Half of 26 mill? Everyday. But not one dicey day on the internet. Delete.

Wait! Maybe I’m being hasty. I do need a few little questions answered before I would say yes.

Like, why is the money in dollars instead of Euros or Turkmenistan’s currency, the manat?

Hmm.

Secondly, how is it that an army colonel has 26 million bucks? No hanky panky there.

Must have been just a deduction out of every paycheck for the last 79 years.

And, how did she choose me, her Most Beautiful Beloved? Of course, she didn’t – she probably sent the direct mailing to a couple hundred thousand of her closest friends. I just didn’t know I was one of them. Delete.

This afternoon’s email brought:

“You have Been Compensated with the sum of 4.6 million Euros in this United Nation, the payment will be issued through ATM VISA CARD and send to you from the Santander Bank, we need your address and your Whatsapp number.”

Pretty savvy – these beggars are lined up with Whatsapp, and I’ve never bothered. Delete.

The first few years of this unsolicited garbage made me nervous. Naturally, I never followed up on any of them. But I do worry about those who don’t understand the criminal predators’ motives, and the danger to their entire well-being. Obviously, their flattering loveydovey language works, I guess if one is lonely enough, victimhood is straight ahead. Is it possible that these well-mannered, fawning thieves don’t actually mean what they say?

Maybe I truly am one of their chosen ones – selected from our third world neighbors for my “sympathetic nature and my business acumen.” The bank professionals are seeking me out: “I am Mr.Ali Ahmed from Burkina Faso in West Africa. The Manager of Auditing Department of Our Bank. In my department we discovered an abandoned $15,000,000,00 (Fifteen Million United States Dollars). In an account that belongs to this our foreign customer who died along with his wife and children in the plane crash. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as the next of kin or relation to the deceased, as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him in the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim… but you can help”…. It went on for another 3 paragraphs with all the specifics about our “certainly wonderful aboveboard relationship.” Delete.

Colonel Muammar Gaddafi’s daughter has asked for my permission and acceptance to partner with me to invest Twenty-Seven Million Five Hundred dollars.in our country. Delete. Bernie, from French Morocco, will deposit a large amount of funds in my account after I open the receipt, and sign for its acceptance. Delete.

An arrest warrant for me appeared within the hour – totally in French. The complainant? My dearest new friend, Bernie. Delete.

Funny – I never receive these from Western Europe, Asia, or South America. Or Iowa, Wyoming, or Maine. Sadly, there has to have been some success for this to continue. Our desperate third-world countries will persevere. Oops! There’s my inbox mail bell. Ta-da! Another offer. Wait! This is different, It’s a bit coin con!! Oh, I never had that offered before. I think I have to check this out.

Dear Beautiful Beloved Bit Coin partner …

Delete.

Marcy O’Brien can be reached at Moby.32@hotmail.com