I was talking to a woman from the previous OT class. "I just feel like I have a handful of pieces, but for whatever reason, I'm not able to assemble them," and Ellen looked at me and said, "Oh, we all felt like that. Have faith in the process. This is a popular class that has more people trying to get in than they can possibly handle. Heather and Sarah have been doing this for a long time. You have to have faith that they have the big picturethat they know what they have to do to get you to where you need to be." And she said it again, "Have faith in the process."
I drove home thinking about that. Everything is a process really, isn't it? We are all 'under construction' in a way. We have to have faith in that Teacher as well. We have to trust that He knows what He's doing. If we follow His lead, we will wind up where we're supposed to be, being what we're supposed to be, doing what we're supposed to do. Ellen's wisdom was something that could be applied to life in general. When we get discouraged or confused, we need to pray harder, and have faith in the process.
One of the assignments that I had for a Therapeutic Groups class was to attend a therapeutic group meeting, and so I picked a local AA meeting, and I went there. I'm telling you, if you want to immerse yourself in wisdom, you need to find an AA meeting. There are some very wise people there, and unexpectedly, I found myself enthralled with what they shared with each other. One woman said "It's a process" She explained that sobriety is a choice, and that each day you get up and choose to be sober once again. 'It's a process.' Amazing how I kept running into those words. 'It's a process'
I felt instinctively that those words were meant for me somehow, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I didn't understand it, but the words were in my mind constantly. "It's a process." The words were not in neon, or anything, but they were clear in my mind, and I waited to see how they would apply.
In all the busy-ness of life as I'm living it, there was another thing. I had a grandbaby on the way. I wanted to rejoice over that, but I'd be a liar if I did not say this: I was afraid. The circumstances were not ideal. I didn't understand the choices being made. I worried. I kept my mouth shut, but inside, I carried a heartload of worry about this.
When William was born, I went to see him. People, he is cute. He is a very cute baby. But even as I admired his sweet toes, and his lovely cheeks and his darling little fingers, still, there was this knot of worry. I grieved that I could not rejoice with a free and open heart. I was torn, and I felt awful about it, like the worst mother in the world. Like the worst grandmother in the world.
I did what any self respecting woman in the midst of a meltdown would do: I called my oldest friend, one that knows God. And I tried to explain to Mary how I felt, and I cried. "I want to celebrate, but" and Mary said, "No buts. You've got to stop saying but." And because she is my friend, she told me plainly where I was viewing things wrongly. She gave me her perspective. I listened. Cried too, because I knew that she was right.
I hung up the phone and went to bed. I lay in the dark thinking about things, and it came to me. No parent is ready for a child, but a child can change things. I thought of all the mistakes I'd made as a parent. I thought on my immaturity as a new mom. I thought about those words I'd been hearing. "It's a process." Immediately on the heels of that realization, it popped into my mind. "Debby? Do you have faith in the process? Do you have faith?" and in the dark, I cried once more, and I said, "Yes, Lord. I have faith."
What is the process? The process is the hard times we endure. The process is the wise people that you meet. The process is friends who love you even when you are wrong, love you enough to tell you so. The process is family. The process is a good marriage. The process is a sermon. A book. The process is all of it, really, all the people in your life, all the things in your life, all the places in your life. They are there for a reason. They are there to teach you. It's a process, and we are all learning from the day we are born to the day that we die. Me. You. Buddy. Brianna. Little William. Everything fell into place in my mind. It is all a process. Everything.
I feel better about it all. Today, I got to hold little William for the first time, and it was emotional.
I am your grandma.
I'm part of your process.
Debby Hornburg lives in Scandia and can be reached at email@example.com. If you would like to see pictures of the cutest baby in the world, you may go directly to lifesfunnylikethat.blogspot.com/2011/02/william-as-promised.html