When we last left the odd creatures of Planet Sooth, Papa was working furiously in the laboratory of his secret headquarters over a steel table with a syringe, a turkey egg and a magnifying glass.
"Uh, what are you doing, Master?" asked Juan, SSC's intern and Knower of All Things Related to The Situation.
"I'm creating the world's largest turkey for Thanksgiving," Papa said proudly as he held up and peered at the large egg. "It will be a succulent beast, indeed."
Gomez, the Captain of Planet Sooth's Imperial Guard, eyed the syringe in his hand. "Creating a giant turkey out of what?" he asked nervously.
"This egg, obviously," Papa said, "and Shaquille O'Neal's DNA."
Gomez's mouth dropped open. "Where in the world did you get a sample of Shaquille O'Neal's DNA?"
"Duh," Juan added, as if he he regularly shopped for the DNA of gigantic NBA basketball players online.
"Papa," Gomez said carefully. "You know what happened the last time you fooled around with animal creation."
"Yeah," Juan said, "how many people died?"
"A miscalculation!" the ancient seer replied angrily. "How was I to know that giant hamsters would eat people?"
"That was horrible," Juan said, shaking his head.
"Give me the syringe, Papa," Gomez said, stretching out his hand.
"No! I want a giant succulent turkey for Thanksgiving!"
"You don't even know it will work!"
"Of course it will work! I already tested the DNA."
"On what?" his minions asked, horrified.
Their evil master pointed out the window.
"Is that . . . Hostovich?" gasped Juan, looking way up into the sky.
Gomez whistled. "Holy moly. He just leaped over the First Niagara bank building."
"That's impressive," Juan said.
Behold! The 2010 NFL Season, Week 10.
Minnesota (3-5) at Chicago (5-3), 1 p.m. Planet Sooth got this email from local football aficionado Dave Sherman regarding Brad Childress's fate if the Vikings fall short this weekend: "We all talk about games in the past that we remember like yesterday...the snow plow field goal game up in NE to help them beat Miami...the SD/Miami playoff thriller with the hook and lateral at the end of the first half...the Leon Lett blunder on Thanksgiving against the Dolphins (hey, these are all Dolphin games?). It isn't hard to imagine being in the bar, talking about the greatest games, plays, etc. and somebody says, "Remember when they lit Brad Childress on fire right on the field in Chicago?" BOTTOM LINE: Minnesota by 1.
Tennessee (5-3) at Miami (4-4), 1 p.m. What?!?! Randy Moss is with the same team for two weeks in a row??!? Madness!!!! BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee by 2.
Detroit (2-6) at Buffalo (0-8), 1 p.m. Big news from the North Pole: Santa is dropping the coal. He's decided to go with the threat of planting tickets to Buffalo Bills' games in kids' stockings as an incentive to get them to walk the straight and narrow . BOTTOM LINE: Buffalo by 2.
Houston (4-4) at Jacksonville (4-4), 1 p.m. One more 4 and we'd have a Yahtzee. BOTTOM LINE: Jacksonville by 2.
N.Y. Jets (6-2) at Cleveland (3-5), 1 p.m. The Jets are blitzing and not reaching the quarterback; the Sanchise is inconsistent; and the Man-genius is on the prowl. BOTTOM LINE: Cleveland by 3.
Cincinnati (2-6) at Indianapolis (5-3), 1 p.m. Has anyone else noticed that the more talent the Bengals have, the worse they do? BOTTOM LINE: Indianapolis by 6.
Carolina (1-7) at Tampa Bay (5-3), 1 p.m. Josh Freeman has been touched by the hand of God. BOTTOM LINE: Tampa Bay by 7.
Kansas City (5-3) at Denver (2-6), 4:05 p.m. Denver has lost 12 of its last 16 games. BOTTOM LINE: Kansas City by 2.
Dallas (1-7) at N.Y. Giants (6-2), 4:15 p.m. The chic rumor going around the NFL has Bill Cowher taking the Dallas job next season. We don't think so. Bill Cowher would end up putting his fist through Jerry Jones's plastic face by next November. BOTTOM LINE: N.Y. Giants by 12.
St. Louis (4-4) at San Francisco (2-6), 4:15 p.m. How disappointing has 2010 been for 49er fans? We'll use a "Jersey Shore" analogy: everything is looking good at the beginning of the night; you think you're about to hook up with J-Woww, you end up settling for Snooki, but something goes horribly awry and you wake up next to Gary Busey. BOTTOM LINE: San Francisco by 5.
Seattle (4-4) at Arizona (3-5), 4:15 p.m. Division race? More like division crawl. BOTTOM LINE: Arizona by 2.
New England (6-2) at Pittsburgh (6-2), 8:20 p.m. A question that arose this week: do the Steelers take care of the referees' dental and vision plans as part of their employment package? BOTTOM LINE: New England by 2.
Philadelphia (5-3) at Washington (4-4), 8:30 p.m. (Mon.) Things aren't boding well for the Redskins. Mike Shanahan has that clueless George Bush look when he stands on the sidelines. BOTTOM LINE: Philadelphia by 2.
Last Week: 9-3 overall, 7-5 against the spread. Season: 77-50, 61-66.