By DEAN WELLS
Deep in the Planet Sooth's secret liar, located several miles beneath the City of Warren's sewage treatment plant, alarm klaxons howled like a pack of furious monkeys in the hallways.
"What is it, Gomez?" cried Juan, Planet Sooth's intern. He was going over this week's NFL lines when the alarms were triggered. He poked his head out into the hall just in time to see Gomez, Captain of SSC's Imperial Guard, race past.
"The Master!" Gomez shouted. "He's taking photos and texting them to that woman from the Jets!"
Juan was horrified. "He's texting Mark Sanchez?"
"No, you idiot! Jenn Sterger!"
They both ran for the Master's Ready Room as fast as their clawed feet could carry them. When they burst through the door, Papa Sooth was hunched over with his back to them, a camera phone in his wrinkled hand. He wore a purple bathrobe and a pair of bathing clogs on his feet. He spoke softly to something in his other hand.
"Hold still there, little guy, while I take your picture. I really think she's going to like you. I don't know how she could resist-"
"NO, MASTER!" the evil seer's two minions shouted in unison. "DON'T DO IT!!!!"
Papa Sooth turned, confused look on his face. He held up his hand and revealed his pet brown toad, Xerxes.
"Uh, Papa," Juan said slowly. "Why are you sending Jenn Sterger a photo of your toad?"
"What's wrong with a guy sending a photo of his toad to a beautiful woman?" Papa asked. "Is that a crime?"
Behold! The 2010 NFL Season, Week 7!
Buffalo (0-5) at Baltimore (4-2), 1 p.m. Bills' owner Ralph Wilson, 92, predicted last week that he may not live long enough to see the team turn things around. Way to go out there on a limb with your prognosticating, Carnac. BOTTOM LINE: Baltimore by 11.
Washington (3-3) at Chicago (4-2), 1 p.m. Da Bears. BOTTOM LINE: Chicago by 2.
Cincinnati (2-3) at Atlanta (4-2), 1 p.m. What costume should Carson Palmer not being wearing this Halloween? A starting NFL quarterback. BOTTOM LINE: Atlanta by 3.
Philadelphia (4-2) at Tennessee (3-2), 1 p.m. How isn't getting concussed in Philly. Andy Reid. He's too much of a Leviathan to get that hulking body moving fast enough for his brain to come to a sudden halt. BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee by 3.
Pittsburgh (4-1) at Miami (3-2), 1 p.m. I'll take "therapist" for $200, Trebek. BOTTOM LINE: Pittsburgh by 2.
St. Louis (3-3) at Tampa Bay (3-2), 1 p.m. It's official. The White Crackers unleash the Jose Freeman gambit: he's our starter in the WTO Laid Back Fantasy Football League in lieu of Brett Favre. Ride the pine, Favre! And no texting when you get bored, you perverted old billy goat! BOTTOM LINE: Tampa Bay by 2.
Cleveland (1-5) at New Orleans (4-2), 1 p.m. Oh boy. BOTTOM LINE: New Orleans by 12.
Jacksonville (3-2) at Kansas City (3-2), 1 p.m. The Magic 8 Ball likes the Chiefs. BOTTOM LINE: Kansas City by 1.
San Francisco (1-5) at Carolina (0-5), 4:05 p.m. This is ripe with the stench of futility. BOTTOM LINE: San Francisco by 3.
Arizona (3-2) at Seattle (3-2), 4:05 p.m. Ditto. BOTTOM LINE: Seattle by 4.
Oakland (2-4) at Denver (2-4), 4:15 p.m. This is getting repetitive. BOTTOM LINE: Denver by 8.
New England (4-1) at San Diego (2-4), 4:15 p.m. Vegas has the Chargers by 3. No way. It's the Kip Wells Bobblehead Upset of the Week. BOTTOM LINE: New England by 3.
Minnesota (2-3) at Green Bay (3-3), 8:20 p.m. Line we do not want to hear the TV announcers use during this game: "Favre looks like he's phoning in his performance." BOTTOM LINE: Green Bay by 2.
N.Y. Giants (4-2) at Dallas (1-4), 8:30 p.m. (Mon.) The good news regarding the Cowboys' early collapse? Jerry Jones has been rendered speechless. BOTTOM LINE: Dallas by 2.
Last week: 8-6 overall, 7-7 against the spread. Season: 52-37, 41-48.