When we last left the incredibly bizarre creatures of Soothsayer Central, Juan and Gomez stood gathered around their fallen master, who was curled on the floor of their secret headquarters in a fetal position, whimpering.

"What's wrong with him?" Juan asked his companion, scratching his head with his pirate hook hand. "Too much turkey?"

Gomez shook his head, looking sad. "Smoked carp. His ethnic, you know. They eat different things than we do for Thanksgiving."

"What ethniticy is he?"

"He's, ah . . . weird."

Juan nodded, as if giving the explanation great consideration. "I never knew that. I thought he was Eastern European. Do you think we should make the predictions without him?"

Gomez shrugged. "How hard could it be? We scream, we swear, we stomp around like Blackbeard with a hangover."

"Good point." Juan leaned over and shouted in his master's missing ear. "Papa! We are going to predict without you. Is that okay?"

"What did he say?"

"I could actually hear him swearing at me through his eyeballs."

"Maybe his telepathic."

Juan's eyebrows scrunched up.

"I thought you said he was Eastern European?"

Behold! The 2009 NFL Season, Week 12.

Green Bay (7-4) at Detroit (2-9), 12:30 p.m. How confident is Planet Sooth that the Packers will beat the Lions? We're not only going to predict a Green Bay win, but we'll predict the final score: 34-12. Heck, we'll even predict Matt Stafford throws four picks. BOTTOM LINE: Green Bay by 22.

Oakland (3-8) at Dallas (8-3), 4:15 p.m. We're going out on a limb here: no two-in-row for the Raiders. BOTTOM LINE: Dallas by 17.

N.Y. Giants (6-5) at Denver (7-4), 8:20 p.m. Planet Sooth has a hunch the Broncos are gonna to win. And they're gonna win big. BOTTOM LINE: Denver by 20.

Miami (5-5) at Buffalo (3-7), 1 p.m. If things get much worse in Buffalo, Hitler is going to kick someone in the Pittsburgh. BOTTOM LINE: Miami by by 3.

Carolina (4-6) at N.Y. Jets (4-6), 1 p.m. Make sure you have the popcorn ready for the Mark Sanchez-Jake Delhomme Interception Derby special exhibition planned for halftime. BOTTOM LINE: N.Y. Jets by 2.

Seattle (3-7) at St. Louis (1-9), 1 p.m. Oh, boy. BOTTOM LINE: Seattle by 2.

Tampa Bay (1-9) at Atlanta (5-5), 1 p.m Games like this make us wish the Pittsburgh Pirates were still playing. BOTTOM LINE: Atlanta by 10.

Indianapolis (10-0) at Houston (5-4), 1 p.m. Call Planet Sooth crazy, but this has upset written all over it. BOTTOM LINE: Houston by 2.

Cleveland (1-9) at Cincinnati (7-3), 1 p.m. If we're Eric Mangini, we're going on a search for that old abandoned church that houses Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem the moment the season ends, hiring them to paint our car to disguise it and fleeing Cleveland, never to look back. BOTTOM LINE: Cincinnati by 12.

Washington (3-7) at Philadelphia (6-4), 1 p.m. Dan Snyder is set to fire Zorn prior to kickoff and hire the Zarn*. Try beating that for an esoteric reference, Bill Simmons. BOTTOM LINE: Philadelphia by 7.

Kansas City (3-7) at San Diego (7-3), 4:05 p.m. Planet Sooth isn't buying San Diego's first place turnaround. Not for one second. It's like watching an episode of Gilligan's Island: it looks like the castaways Chargers are going to escape for sure this time, then Gilligan Norv Turner screws up the rescue trip to the Super Bowl at the last second. BOTTOM LINE: San Diego by 12.

Jacksonville (6-4) at San Francisco (4-6), 4:05 p.m. Dear Mike Singletary: please do something off the wall and strange again to make our job a little easier. BOTTOM LINE: San Francisco by 2.

Arizona (7-3) at Tennessee (3-6), 4:15 p.m. We hear Bud Adams is coming out with his own DVD of finger exercises tailored to the elderly. BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee by 2.

Chicago (4-6) at Minnesota (9-1), 4:15 p.m. Brett Favre is a freak of nature. He has thrown just three interceptions this year and has the highest completion percentage of his career. Kudos, Favre. Most 40-year-old Americans can barely tie their shoes without popping the button off their pants and burying it in the wall like it was fired out of a howitzer. BOTTOM LINE: Minnesota by 9.

Pittsburgh (6-4) at Baltimore (5-5), 8:20 p.m. Roethlisberger is one big hit away from drooling on himself in a nursing home. BOTTOM LINE: Baltimore by 4.

New England (7-3) at New Orleans (10-0) (Mon.), 8:30 p.m. Bill Belichick ordered his linebackers and secondary to practice staring into the sun this week. He hopes this will make his defense impervious to the glare of the stadium lights reflecting off Drew Brees' fivehead. BOTTOM LINE: New Orleans by 2.

Last Week: 12-3 overall, 8-7 against the spread. Season: 107-51, 83-75.

* Do a Google image search for '"the Zarn." He's the guy made out of sparkly lights, standing in front of the T-Rex.