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"Papa," said Juan, Planet Sooth's Intern and Knower of All Thing Related to the Abandoned Parking Booth in the Midtown Lot, "have you ever thrown a dart at a live ostrich?"

Papa Sooth, the greatest prognosticator in the history of the NFL and a part-time go-go dancer at Monday's, looked up from his papers.

"Why in the world would you ever ask that, you doorknob?"

Juan shrugged. "Just wondered."

Papa kept staring at him. "Is this going somewhere?"

"No."

"Then shut up."

Papa was in no mood for distractions. He was trying to foresee the results of every NFL game between now and the Super Bowl so he could take the next three months off and follow the Jonas Brothers tour across Europe.

"Why the Jonas Brothers?" asked Gomez, Captain of Planet Sooth's Imperial Guard.

"Simple," Papa said. "If I followed Miley Cyrus around for three months, they would call me a dirty old man."

Gomez blinked. "But you are a dirty old man."

"Shut up."

Juan called his comrade over. "He sure is in a grumpy mood," he whispered in Gomez's metal ear.

"He's worried Hostovich will win the bet. The Steelers are just one game out of first place."

"We should distract him," Juan said. "Take his mind off his problems." He reached in his rat skin harversack for something. "I have just the thing!"

"What is THAT?" cried Gomez, horrified.

"My Bea Arthur nude action figure!" Juan said gleefully. Before Gomez could tackle him, he had run across the room and waved the doll in Papa's face. "Look, Papa!"

There was an ear-splitting shriek, followed by:

"HOLY FRACK!!!!! WHAT IS THAT???????"

Then a thud.

"See," Juan said, smiling. "It worked!"

Behold! The 2009 NFL Season, Week 9.

Arizona (4-3) at Chicago (4-3), 1 p.m. The Cardinals are the most schizophrenic team in the NFL. BOTTOM LINE: Chicago by 2.

Washington (2-5) at Atlanta, 1 p.m. Dan Snyder is suing some of his season ticket holders and has ordered a ban on signs critical of the Redskins in the stadium. He must be a popular guy. What's next? Slap a business license ordinance on the cheerleaders? BOTTOM LINE: Atlanta by 2.

Miami (3-4) at New England (5-2), 1 p.m. Do you think Joey Porter's teammates were inspired by him bashing the Patriots on Wednesday, or were some of them on the line with New England minutes later, promising to put a brick of pot in Porter's trunk and tip off the police to placate Belichik. BOTTOM LINE: New England by 10.

Houston (5-3) at Indianapolis (7-0), 1 p.m. Bad news, Peyton Manning: the White Crackers were officially eliminated from the playoffs in the WTO fantasy football league on Monday. We know you weep for us, Peyton. Buck up, mensch! BOTTOM LINE: Indianapolis by 7.

Baltimore (4-3) at Cincinnati (5-2), 1 p.m. Point to ponder: who has the better unibrow The Flacco or Bert from Sesame Street? BOTTOM LINE: Baltimore by 3.

Green Bay (4-3) at Tampa Bay (0-7), 1 p.m. On any given Sunday. Except this one. BOTTOM LINE: Green Bay by 8.

Kansas City (1-6) at Jacksonville (3-4), 1 p.m. Only one word is appropriate: frack. BOTTOM LINE: Jacksonville by 5.

Detroit (1-6) at Seattle (2-5), 4:05 p.m. Why the "five after the hour" games? If the NFL front office filmed a remake of "High Noon," would it be renamed "12:05"?

Carolina (3-4) at New Orleans (7-0), 4:05 p.m. Factoid of the week: the Saints have more interception returns for touchdowns than Cleveland, Detroit and Oakland have touchdown passes . BOTTOM LINE: New Orleans by 4.

San Diego (4-3) at N.Y. Giants (5-3), 4:15 p.m. The Giants are reeling. They couldn't stop a a running back riding a hobby horse up the middle. BOTTOM LINE: San Diego by 3.

Tennessee (1-6) at San Francisco (3-4), 4:15 p.m. Oh, boy. BOTTOM LINE: San Francisco by 4.

Dallas (5-2) at Philadelphia (5-2), 8:20 p.m. If the Eagles weren't planning to do anything with Vick, why did they sign him? BOTTOM LINE: Philadelphia by 2.

Pittsburgh (5-2) at Denver (6-1) (Mon)., 8:30 p.m. Planet Sooth spent the week checking out its new favorite website, "People of Wal-Mart." Imagine our surprise when we noticed every other person was wearing a Steeler jersey. BOTTOM LINE: Pittsburgh by 9 in the first half, then by 2 in the final 0:45.