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SOOTHSAYER CENTRAL: Dressed up as Papa Sooth for Halloween

By DEAN WELLS dwells@timesobserver.com
POSTED: October 31, 2009

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It's All Hallow's Eve and time for Soothsayer Central's sassy costume suggestions for those last-minute shoppers headed to parties on Saturday:

The Eric Mangini. Headphones around the neck, clipboard and a friend to whack you upside the head with a ballpeen hammer for the appropriate coaching output.

The Jim Zorn. See above.

NFL Referee For A Pittsburgh Steeler Game. Referee pinstripes and white hat. Look the other way any time someone walks into a room wearing a Steeler jersey. Call anyone else in a football jersey for the first penalty you can make up. Find guy dressed up like Mike Tomlin or Omar Epps at end of party and ask for envelope stuffed with cash.

Lucifer. Buy prerequisite horns and pitchfork. Get friend to dress up as Mike Tomlin or Omar Epps. Lead him around the party on a leash while reminding him every few minutes who was really responsible for beating Arizona in the Super Bowl.

Brett Favre. See Al Davis.

Al Davis. Purchase Cryptkeeper outfit. Walk stooped over like an ancient creature reanimated by black magic.

John Madden. Sit in corner and mumble incoherently while drooling. Interchangeable with Al Davis and George W. Bush costumes.

Pittsburgh Pirate Top Prospect. Spend first quarter of the party in a Pirates jersey. Quietly announce "it's the trade deadline" and slip from the room. Come back wearing a Cubs jersey while leading three donkeys dressed in Pirates jerseys to represent your trade and the players received in return.

Behold! The 2009 NFL Season, Week 8.

St. Louis (0-7) at Detroit (1-5), 1 p.m. Being a Rams fan is a lot like rooting for the red shirts in an episode of Star Trek. BOTTOM LINE: Detroit by 2.

Miami (2-4) at N.Y. Jets (4-3), 1 p.m. Uninteresting. BOTTOM LINE: N.Y. Jets by 2.

Seattle (2-4) at Dallas (4-2), 1 p.m. DeMarcus Ware is coming off back-to-back two-sack games. Matt Hasselbeck may be doomed. BOTTOM LINE: Dallas by 7.

Cleveland (1-6) at Chicago (3-3), 1 p.m. It may be time to consider pulling the plug on the whole Mangenius experiment. The guy makes the Skipper look like Magellan. BOTTOM LINE: Chicago by 12.

Denver (6-0) at Baltimore (3-3), 1 p.m. Last chance for the Ravens to salvage their season. BOTTOM LINE: Baltimore by 2.

Houston (4-3) at Buffalo (3-4), 1 p.m. Unemployed 18-year-old Buffalo fan Ryan Abshagen raised $1,402 to rent an electronic billboard in the city with a message demanding Ralph Wilson "clean house." Dick Jauron, enraged by the young man's audacity, dispatched Ryan Fitzpatrick to hurl a football through the sign . . . and became even more incensed when Losman proved unable to hit the 10- by 20-foot blinking target. BOTTOM LINE: Houston by 3.

San Francisco (3-3) at Indianapolis (6-0), 1 p.m. Alex Smith in a shootout against Peyton Manning? Oy. It's like sending Urkel up against Val Kilmer's Doc Holliday with a water pistol and bad intentions. BOTTOM LINE: Indianapolis by 10.

N.Y. Giants (5-2) at Philadelphia (4-2), 1 p.m. Brian Westbrook is banged up. Imagine that. BOTTOM LINE: Philadelphia by 1.

Oakland (2-5) at San Diego (3-3), 4:05 p.m. Oh my. BOTTOM LINE: San Diego by 15.

Jacksonville (3-3) at Tennessee (0-6), 4:05 p.m. You should consider eating your own fingers rather than getting involved in this game. BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee by 2.

Minnesota (6-1) at Green Bay (6-1), 4:15 p.m. The Packers' front office is holding its first-ever and most likely last Brett Favre Commemorative Authentic Spear Day. BOTTOM LINE: Green Bay by 2.

Carolina (2-4) at Arizona (4-2), 4:15 p.m. The last time Delhomme faced Arizona, he threw five interceptions. BOTTOM LINE: Arizona by 9.

Atlanta (4-2) at New Orleans (6-0) (Mon.), 8:30 p.m. The Saints are looking Super Bowl-bound. BOTTOM LINE: New Orleans by 9.

Last week: 8-5 overall, 8-5 spread. Season: 70-33, 58-45.

 
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