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Soothsayer Central: Always popular, reader mail

By DEAN WELLS dwells@timesobserver.com
POSTED: November 15, 2008

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Once again, reader mail.

Dear Planet Sooth,

With the election over, is there any chance Papa might consider a position in the new White House administration?

- Barry O., Chicago

SSC: Papa Sooth would give careful consideration to the positions of Secretary of Da Funk, Lord High Executioner or Evil Overlord of Pennsylvania, California, Florida, New York City and Whatever Five Feet of Space Megan Fox Currently Occupies.

* * *

Dear Papa,

How did you ever get a job? Your writing stinks, you can fit all your NFL knowledge in a thimble and you dress like a homeless Arabian sheik. I hate you.

- Mike H., North Warren

SSC: Flattery will get you nowhere, Fund Peddler.

* * *

Papa Sooth,

Is it me, or does Mike Singletary look genuinely crazy? Like, "Let me Wear Your Skin and Dance" crazy?

- J. Martin, Warren

SSC: One man's crazy is another man's genius. That being said, Planet Sooth is hard pressed to find any record of Vince Lombardi, Chuck Noll or Bill Walsh de-pants-ing himself in the locker room at halftime to make a point. However, we did find mention that the Duke of Wellington dropped his riding breeches minutes before sending in his reserves to counter Napoleon's final assault during the Battle of Waterloo so there is precedence. But since Singletary is a football coach and not a British general living in the 1800s, perhaps it would be best if he kept his trousers at full mast.

* * *

Hey, Jerk,

A 22-year-old college dropout won the main event at the World Series of Poker this week. What did you accomplish?

- B. Welker, Sugar Grove

SSC: We bought his soul.

* * *

Dear Soothsayer Central,

Is the Buffalo Bills' season salvageable?

- Scott N., Alexandria, Va.

SSC: Can you say, "Wide right?"

* * *

Behold! The 2008 NFL Season, Week 11.

Denver (5-4) at Atlanta (6-3), 1 p.m. - The Broncos are in disarray. BOTTOM LINE: Atlanta by 4 (Atlanta).

Oakland (2-7) at Miami (5-4), 1 p.m. - Oakland's left tackle Kwame Harris looks more like a turnstile at the stadium gate than an offensive lineman in the NFL. BOTTOM LINE: Miami by 10 (Miami).

Chicago (5-4) at Green Bay (4-5), 1 p.m. - Do the Bears blitz? Ever? BOTTOM LINE: Green Bay by 2 (Green Bay).

Baltimore (6-3) at N.Y. Giants (8-1), 1 p.m. - A stiff test for The Flacco this weekend. That almost sounds like a line from Boogie Nights . . . BOTTOM LINE: N.Y. Giants by 6 (Giants).

Houston (3-6) at Indianapolis (5-4), 1 p.m. - Mr. and Mrs. Rosenfels must have been tremendous fans of stuffing seasonings. Planet Sooth wonders if Sage's brothers Dried Bread Cubes and Cranberries will follow in his footsteps and play in the NFL. BOTTOM LINE: Indianapolis by 8 (Indianapolis).

Detroit (0-9) at Carolina (7-2), 1 p.m. - The Lions remaining games: Carolina, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, Indianapolis, New Orleans and Green Bay. Members of the 2007 Miami Dolphins have the champagne on ice. BOTTOM LINE: Carolina by 12 (Carolina).

New Orleans (4-5) at Kansas City, 1 p.m. - Hey, whatever happened to that cloud of dirt and dust that followed Thigpen wherever he went? BOTTOM LINE: New Orleans by 6 (New Orleans).

Philadelphia (5-4) at Cincinnati (1-8), 1 p.m. - Planet Sooth is in a conundrum. Someone asked us this week if we would rather voluntarily watch the Bengals play on any given Sunday, or be strapped to a chair and forced to watch 24 hours of VH-1's "Real Chance for Love," "Charm School 1 and 2," and "I Love New York." Isn't there a Broken Arrow option three? BOTTOM LINE: Philadelphia by 9 (Philadelphia).

Minnesota (5-4) at Tampa Bay (6-3), 1 p.m. - If you fall behind by 21 points to the Chiefs, you are not a playoff team. BOTTOM LINE: Tampa Bay by 3.

Arizona (5-3) at Seattle (2-7), 4:05 p.m. - Is there a tougher man in the NFL than Anquan Boldin? The guy broke his face. Three weeks later, he's back on the field. Kind of makes Tony Romo look like a girl. BOTTOM LINE: Arizona by 2.

St. Louis (2-7) at San Francisco (2-6), 4:05 p.m. - It's Happy Hour in Hell. Guess what game they're showing on all 50 plasma screen TVs. BOTTOM LINE: San Francisco by 4.

San Diego (4-5) at Pittsburgh (6-3), 4:15 p.m. - There are some who may argue that selecting LaDainian Tomlinson as the first pick in the 2008 WTO Laid Back Fantasy Football League wrecked the White Crackers' season. Then, there are those who may argue the overall ineptness of the White Crackers' GM doomed the team. The latter will be swiftly put to death this weekend. Note to Fantasy Oracle: Do not under any circumstances allow Mrs. Fantasy Oracle or the kids to answer the door at approximately 1:15 Saturday afternoon. BOTTOM LINE: Pittsburgh by 4 (Pittsburgh).

Tennessee (9-0) at Jacksonville (4-5), 4:15 p.m. - Vince who? BOTTOM LINE: Tennessee by 3 (Jacksonville).

Dallas (5-4) at Washington (6-3). 8:15 p.m. - On Friday, Jerry Jones declared the Cowboys would "absolutely" make the playoffs. Minutes later, he was wheeled into surgery to have his eyeballs done, removing the last two original pieces of his face. BOTTOM LINE: Dallas by 1.

Cleveland (3-6) at Buffalo (5-4) (Mon.), 8:30 p.m. - What does Romeo Crennel have to do to get fired? He's the George Costanza of the NFL. BOTTOM LINE: Buffalo by 3 (Buffalo).

Last Week: SSC 12-1, Hostovich 10-3. Season: SSC 94-49, Hostovich 86-57 (+8).

 
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