Assemblyman!

Lorri Drumm

With the holiday season upon us, you may find yourself in need of a new piece of furniture or you may even find an unassembled gift under your Christmas tree.

If that’s the case, take it from this recent three-time purchaser and assembler, you are in for hours of exhilaration. Actually, more like exasperation.

If you somehow manage to assemble anything without a single mistake and with no leftover unused pieces, please let me know so I can personally bow down to you. You may be some type of Super Hero — perhaps you’re known as Assemblyman!

You may be thinking, the power to assemble is a gender thing or skill-related. You may be thinking I didn’t read the directions.

Here’s the thing: I’m actually pretty handy with a hammer and screwdriver. And, none of the furniture I purchased came with actual directions — just pictures.

Apparently, at some point in time, someone decided people don’t want to read instructions (which isn’t an unreasonable assumption). But now, we are left to try to decipher what we hope to create by looking solely at diagrams.

It should be simple, right. There are letter labels on the pieces. Think again. Inevitably there are some that don’t have stickers. I guarantee you will find yourself saying “ what F?, there’s no F, I’m missing an F!”

Once you root around and find a piece that seems like it must be F, then you have to decide which size screw seems to match the photo that shows F attached to G.

Don’t fret. There are only six or more different size screws and the circle with a line through it will show you how to not twist it into the hole that isn’t quite big enough.

Suppose you do what the diagram displays. Suppose, against your better judgment, you use the semi-long screws to attach a drawer runner.

Could those screws poke through the outside of the F piece? Well, I personally plan on telling anyone who visits me that those pokey things are supposed to be there.

If I had continued to follow along with the picture-perfect instructions, things placed in my desk drawer would fall right back out. The illustrations never showed the back of the drawer being installed.

Maybe the illustrator thought anyone who had gotten to the last step should be able to figure out that a drawer needs a back.

While my sturdy desk, with the four pointy things poking out the side, seems perfectly functional, it still leaves me wondering — what are those empty holes in the inside of the drawer for?

Lorri Drumm is new to both Warren and its newspaper. Following a stint as a reporter in Crawford County, she moved here with dreams of writing stories and spending time soaking up all the area has to offer. Drumm’s resume includes a 10-week internship at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and an almost fellowship at Marquette University.

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