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Non-toxic

It was a cold Sunday morning and a three-day men’s retreat was wrapping up. As we left the worship service we had designed the night before, we lined up according to age. I was about in the middle of the line. We formed a circle and said a final prayer. We then turned and faced outward representing that we would all leave different directions. Then the magic began.

The oldest man in the group turned to the next oldest and gave him his “personal blessing”. He then went to the third oldest man and gave him a blessing. The circle unwound as the guys followed the older ones around the circle and the youngest guys got blessed by more and more of their elders. Tears flowed easily and some of the youngest guys were literally brought to their knees by the power of it. It was a unique experience for all of us. We left in silence as we completed the unwinding and headed for home.

I participated in several of these retreats. “a gathering of lutheran men”, always lower case for some reason, was the brainchild of Pastors Randy Gullickson and Pat Maier at Camp Lutherlyn in Butler. The retreats created “ritual space” in which men could feel safe to talk about feelings. Imagine that…. The groups always bonded quickly. “I never felt I was good enough.” “I never dared to cry.” “My Dad always told me I’d never be half the man he was.” Pains were eased as they were shared. Tears and hugs were readily shared.

Participants bared hearts and souls as they searched for more meaning and direction in their lives. A subtitle for the program was “A new, intentional role for men.” That was the “personal blessing.” The idea changed lives as we started doing more of this for each other.

Fast-forward 25 years or so and a recent Facebook conversation was addressing the most recent mass murder. A friend called it “toxic masculinity.”

As we hear the histories of the perpetrators of these atrocities, I harken back to the gatherings, which encouraged what I might call “sweet masculinity,” and I figure those experiences are exactly 180 degrees from what the depraved, deprived murderers have experienced. I’ll bet they have never had a “personal blessing” from anyone. In fact, I’ll bet if you tried to give them one, their experience would make them unable to accept it. Their interactions, especially with other guys, probably never were positive. In many cases, the most influential guy in a guy’s life, his Dad, was probably unsupportive if he was in the picture at all.

Add to those atrocities the plague of abuse of women that seems to be growing every day. These slimy guys exhibit toxic masculinity, too.

I’m not sure when it started. There have always been “tough guys” and I think even loving Dads told their sons that some degree of toughness is a virtue. “Big boys don’t cry.” “Ya’ gotta play hurt.” “Rub some dirt on it.” But how did things get so far out of whack? How did violence become so prevalent?

I think we’re a couple generations now into the phenomenon that there are no absolute standards of right and wrong. Time was, when you got in trouble at school, you were in trouble at home. Too often now, a kid gets in trouble in school and the parents make trouble for the school authorities. Might that be the attitude that generates a general rebellion against authority? There are places where the culture is to protect the perpetrator rather than inform authorities. Social media has made every idea equal in moral status. No one is saying: “Don’t post that crap!” So people do and others are drawn to it as evidence that their crazy ideas are legitimate.

What scares me the most though, is this shift toward the idea that nothing is actually right or wrong. Morals, ethics, solid character…. If you stand for that you’re a bigot and it’s a short step for people without those assets to consider themselves victims of your attitudes.

Well, guys, what’s it going to be, continuation of dead-end toxic behavior or action in a different direction? Don’t be too quick to say: “The problem is too big, what possible impact can one person have?” The answer is that you can have plenty. As a matter of fact, your own personal behavior is exactly what can make a difference. You can be the best thing that happens to another guy today. If we all took on that behavior, I believe we could create a new atmosphere in our neighborhood, our workplace, our schools, our communities, and far beyond. An atmosphere far less toxic. It’s easy to do, it doesn’t cost you anything, and the payoff could be huge. Be and give a blessing to each other, dudes.

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