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Rule #7: Chicken soup is magic

Here are some completely alternative facts about the flu:

1. The flu comes from children. They are carriers of this horrible disease and should be avoided, but can’t be, because avoiding having contact with your children without some sort of custody order indicating that that’s what you’re supposed to do is neglectful at best and illegal most of the time.

2. Every time you get the flu, it’s because your children go to school. The only thing a child is more likely to contract at school than actual facts is the flu. If you send them to places that teach things like science, and evolution, and how to properly use birth control, you are going to get the flu. And you deserve it.

3. “Flu” is a medical term. Some people, like doctors, will try to tell you that things like unholy rivers of diarrhea, which flow eternal like the blessed river of Jordan, and stomach cramps that make you wish you were giving birth instead, even if you’ve already done it once (or more) and know what you’re saying, aren’t really “flu” symptoms. They’ll tell you that there is no such thing as the “stomach flu.” And you won’t care, when you’re camped out on the bathroom floor with your four-year-old standing over you at three in the morning asking in all seriousness if you’re going to die, or if she should call Big Grandma, whether your condition is called the flu or freaking acute bubblegutsitosis.

4. Vaccines are a hoax perpetuated by doctors and “big pharma” to make them rich and advance their evil plan of making every child in the world autistic. Because autism absolutely comes from vaccines. Dr. Wakefield said so, and he’s a completely legitimate doctor who’s not be discredited in any way by those evil “actual” facts that everyone accuses him of ignoring. So you really shouldn’t even vaccinate your children against the flu. Or measles. Or polio. Because in this wide, wicked world of innumerable threats you can neither predict nor prevent in so many cases, why on earth would you want to protect them from the things you are able to?

5. You don’t actually need sick time because the flu is only communicable if you cough or sneeze or breathe or barf or fart on someone. The bottom line is money. It is all that matters. And if you’re not doing everything you can, to the point of ignoring your own health, to make your company productive and successful, you should be ashamed of yourself. But if you do come to work with the flu and anyone else comes down with a single symptom similar to yours within three weeks of your having done so, you are a complete jerk wad and obviously gave your disease to that person and are the reason that person is not being productive. Everything is your fault, no matter what.

6. Most people who get the flu are icky. If you’re not icky you probably won’t get the flu. It’s for poor, weird, upsetting people who make less money than you or confuse you by using big words.

7. Chicken soup is magic. It has nothing to do with the fact that liquids are hydrating, or that hot things cause blood vessel dilation, allowing the snot in your nose to flush the crap out of your system. Scientists will try to tell you that chicken soup has things like vitamin C and beta-carotene in it, which are also good for your body. That might be true, but they didn’t know that in the 12th century and they still used hot broth to fix the flu then. Because if you were the guy that made the hot soup you were awesome but if you were the woman who gave people willow bark for headaches you were a witch and clearly needed to be burned at the stake.

8. You don’t need to wash your hands if you’re not touching people, or their things. Because the flu can’t live on things like light switches or staplers or water cooler knobs or door handles. If it could, then those things would have fevers and be pooping all the time too. Duh.

9. Facts are like theories. They’re just things people think might be true. Like gravity. Come on. No one knows for sure that we’re not all just big weird conscious magnets and the center of the Earth isn’t just a big metal refrigerator.

10. We can disagree with whatever we want. But we can’t blame anyone when we disagree with the fact that cars don’t float and then we drown trying to drive the station wagon to Britain.

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