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E. All of the above

Helicopters and Tigers and Dolphins.

Oh my.

Lots of funny nicknames for different parenting styles have popped up over the last few years. Did you know that there are actually only four basic parenting styles?

I know. My anxiety level dropped like ten points the minute I figured this out, too. I was anxious because I wasn’t sure which team I belonged on, which clearly meant that I was on the “worst ever” parenting team.

Here. I’ll give you three scenarios from my life and four reactions to each. Based on what you’d do, I’ll tell you your parenting style. Then I’ll tell you all about it.

1. Your daughter (age four) has just risen from her bed like Nosferatu from the crypt for the fifth time since you put her to bed. An hour ago. Each resurrection brings with it a powerful lust for yet another thing that will prevent her from falling asleep for at least five minutes. Hugs, kisses, songs, food, and beverages. Two of which are things you believe it’s actually illegal to deprive a child of. Do you:

A. Tell her that if she doesn’t stay in bed you will take away her birthday (which she believes is a thing you’re capable of)

B. Tell her that if she doesn’t stay in bed you will take away her night light (and then give her what she wants instead of taking her night light when she informs you that you’re stupid and she hates you)

C. She’s out of bed? I wasn’t aware. Because I am knee-deep in a Netflix binge marathon of The Walking Dead. The new season is out next month, and I need to be prepared.

D. Tell her she can have the thing she “cant go to bed without,” but that it will cost her a quarter out of her piggy bank. As will all future requests. And then tell her how smart she is and that you know she’ll make a good choice.

2. You have two children. One doesn’t like broccoli (today) and the other claims to be deathly allergic to all forms of protein except bacon. You’re halfway through preparing dinner. Which is fettuccine alfredo with chicken and broccoli. Do you:

A. Inform them that they are, in fact, not living at Burger King circa 1974, and that special orders do, in fact, upset you. Badly. Then serve them the dinner you’re making and let them choose food or hunger.

B. Try to convince them to eat the dinner you made, but give in and allow them to sit out dinner and have snacks before bed instead

C. They can get their own dinner. Somewhere. Whenever. I’m busy. Watching The Walking Dead. That’s why I left the bag of  Cheetos and bottles of Mountain Dew on the kitchen floor. Next to the dog bowl. Which is empty.

D. Explain that you’re making alfredo for dinner tonight, and that there won’t be snacks whether they eat or not, but that biologically they’re likely to be hungry by bedtime if they opt out. Then invite them to tell you what things they’d like to eat for the rest of the week. And to help you make them. Because if they can operate their tablets they can handle simple  kitchen tasks.

3. Your child is deliberately pushing your buttons in the middle of an afternoon food procurement mission (grocery shopping). The mind games she’s playing on you are growing louder and more annoying to your fellow shoppers by the minute. Do you:

A. Tell her that if she doesn’t stop she’ll lose television privileges for the week. And mean it.

B. Put something she wants in your cart every five paces as an incentive to let you finish shopping (and spend $50 on groceries but $75 on miscellaneous toys and bandaids with storm troopers on them)

C. I am not grocery shopping with my child. I am drinking Everclear at the Cornerstone. It is the afternoon, though, if that matters.

D. Put something small and reasonably priced that she wants in your cart as soon as possible after walking in the door. Then explain to her that if you don’t have food she will starve to death.  Explain that starving to death hurts a lot and takes a looooooooong time. Like grocery shopping with her, when she’s acting like this. Then show her the thing you offered to buy her in the beginning, and inform her that if she doesn’t back off and let you buy coffee and soup, you’re not buying her thing either. Then leave the coffee and soup in your cart with her thing, in the middle of the candy aisle, the next time she engages in premeditated schmuckery.

Okay. Ready? If you answered:

Mostly A: You are an authoritarian parent. You are a dictator, but not a benevolent one. You’re the icky kind. You are demanding and unresponsive. Like me, after seven Xanax and a glass of wine. Your parenting style is not associated with good outcomes. But you’re not even reading this. Because you don’t need to learn anything about parenting. You’ve got this, and it’s clearly evidenced by the fact that your child is weeping in the corner over having put her shoes on the wrong feet.

Mostly B: You are a permissive parent. This is dangerous, because as your child gets older, she’ll view you as her friend instead of her parent. She’ll feel insecure, because she doesn’t know where the line is or when she’s crossing it. Which is okay with you, but tends to end badly once she gets to school. Or work. Or prison.

Mostly C: Stop taking this test. You’re a neglectful parent. Seek help. Now. No, really. Put down the paper and go call Beacon Light. Immediately.

Mostly D: You are an authoritative parent. You have expectations, and they’re often high, but you are generally warm and open to allowing your child choices and decisions. You honor your child’s input and accommodate her personality, but she is aware that the world does not revolve around her. More importantly, she understands why. As a result, she cares about others and tends to be kind and generous. Though she may test you, continually, to the point that you want to claw your own eyes out and pour the wine directly into the hemorrhaging sockets in the hopes that it will arrive at, and be absorbed by, your GABA receptors more efficiently, you are resilient and so is she. You sometimes lose your temper and you don’t always make the best choice possible. In fact you often don’t. Though your child knows you’re not perfect, she doesn’t doubt that you’ll eventually fix your mistakes to the best of your ability, and that you’ll be the one she will answer to if she behaves badly. She respects you enough to not want to have to do that, although the respect is not a product to fear. She also knows that she can talk to you about pretty much anything without being judged negatively or reprimanded. She knows this because she does it, regularly, and it has a demonstrated history of being reasurring and producing good outcomes. You invite her to question you, because by defending your position you are naturally strengthening it. If your position doesn’t stand up to questioning, you’re willing to adapt it. You are generally as reasonable and dependable as can be expected of any parent. You regularly say things like “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” to your child, when appropriate, and in so doing you model empathy and compassion. She’s watching you. Closely. And she wants to be like you. And she’ll admit to it readily until around the age of twelve, when she’ll begin keeping it to herself, because it’s a decidedly uncool aspiration. In short, you’re doing fine.

Carry on, soldier.

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